Visual Ramblings

I love this little painting and i think, if i can hit 100 likes on my facebook page, i might just give it to one of you

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Robin-Croucher/390617840994412?ref=hl

It’s a work in progress but i call it Carry on Couriering

Dear Sir/Madam.

I would like you to reconsider the name of your company to something a little more suitable. As I’m sure you are aware Hermes was the Greek god of transitions and boundaries, boasting attributes such as swiftness and cunning; the protector and patron of travelers, herdsmen and …thieves. As my somewhat epic letter will illustrate the only think your company has in common with it’s namesake is theft. I would like to propse that you consider a re-brand, perhaps ‘Akheron’ to represent the ‘swampy’ service and inevitable suffering as both customer and parcel make the slow decent into to courier hell….just a thought.

Lets get started; I’ve fixed myself a scotch (bottle not glass) I would suggest you do the same.

My parcel, containing four of my paintings and measuring 101cm by 91cm, weighing approximately 10kg, was due to be delivered to a Gallery in Cheshire to be part of an exhibition. The package was suppose to be picked up Saturday 1st September, I paid a premium for this part of the ‘service’, and the ‘courier’ was given ‘Special (apparently optional) instructions’ to call on arrival as my flat is above a public house and inaccessible from the front of the building. In order for anyone to know he was there he would need to call. He arrived (which seems to have been the ONLY was capable of doing) and was, by all accounts, rude when he arrived. Apparently too impatient to wait for the parcel to be brought down to him, he informed a member of staff in the pub that he was ‘not paid to wait around’ and in his haste left before I had chance to arrange for the parcel to be taken down to him, a lengthy tasking taking all of about 60 seconds. As a result he left without it……Perhaps he was taking the swiftness of Hermes a little too literally?

In this time the manager of the pub had been in touch to tell me what had happened so I, somewhat aggrieved by his unprofessional conduct, contacted one of your customer service representatives via your ‘Live Help’ approximately 30 minutes to 1 hour later who told me no record of an attempted collection had even been received by your ‘tracking system’ so I made it clear I wasn’t happy with your ‘service’ and your colleague refunded and cancelled the delivery.

That evening I arrived home from work to find that your ‘surly’ courier had returned to pick up the parcel 10 minutes after his initial attempt, something which hadn’t been registered on your ‘tracking system’. Leaving me with a cancelled delivery and refund but my parcel, containing four of my paintings now in postal limbo.

So the following day, Sunday 2nd, I contacted your team once again via the infernal ‘Live Help’ system.

Here is a transcript of that conversation. (whilst you’re reading it I’ll get a refill)

Sunday 2nd Sept 2012

MyHermes Advisor: Welcome to myHermes webchat.

MyHermes Advisor: Good Morning, How may I help?

Robin Croucher: Morning, my ref number is 2309512 i would like to know where my parcel is please.

MyHermes Advisor: ok, please bare with me one moment

MyHermes Advisor: This item was marked as collected on the 01/09, but there appears to have been some issues with collection?

Robin Croucher: Yes there we’re. The ‘courier’ was too impatient to wait 2 minutes for the parcel to be bought to him so i cancelled the collection/delivery. You refunded the money. But apparently he came back and collected the parcel anyway. Now i have a package with four very important paintings missing

Robin Croucher: when i spoke to your colleague yesterday on here and asked them to cancell it there was no record of a collection…if there had been i’m sure i would have been told and cancellation would not have been allowed

MyHermes Advisor: I see. Would you like the item to be returned to yourself or continue to the customer?

Robin Croucher: returned to the collection address, tomorrow.
MyHermes Advisor: Unfortunately I cannot contact the courier directly on a sunday
however I will leave a message with him

MyHermes Advisor: so the items can be returned

Robin Croucher: thank you. And this time he should follow the instructions given I do not want the parcel left outside. If it’s the same person who collected it yesterday he was borderline incompetent, not to mention extremely rude and i want it made clear that this time he calls the number given to him so someone can collect the parcel from him. As you have refunded the money and any agreement we had as customer and service provider is now void, if the parcel is not returned tomorrow in the manner i have requested i will report it as theft. To say i’m livid is an understatement
MyHermes Advisor: Our apologies, I will leave a message with the courier explaining the situation

Robin Croucher: thank you

Robin Croucher: have a good day

MyHermes Advisor: Thank you

You would think that was simple enough right?…. apparently not. Expecting my parcel to be returned on Monday 3rd September I manage to have your ‘tracking system’ (which by this point I suspect is comprised of a map of the UK hand drawn by a four year old and used cocktail sticks with little flags on them) tell me that that on Monday 3rd at 11:55 am my parcel was ‘Sent to myhermes central hub’. Now I’m almost certain that my residence is above a public house NOT a central delivery hub. So this time I call your (almost impossible to locate) phone number which charges me 10p per min plus standard network charge, we’ll get to that after. I spent 24 minutes on the phone, about 5 of those attempting to make contact with a manager via someone who seemed to know very little about operating a phone and even less about customer service. I finally managed to speak to ‘Rita’ who explained the, somewhat absurd, situation that my parcel not only spent THE WEEKEND IN THE BACK OF THIS INCOMPOTENT FOOLS VAN (concerned?… I was) but that as it had reached the Weybridge depot it would have to travel to CREWE before it could be returned! Rita told me that the messages that I had been told would be passed on to the courier to return the parcel had not ‘gone through’ as a result of at least TWO counts of human error in as many days. That’s not including the ‘Courier’ (the chap in oversized shoes with a big red nose composed of foam) who caused this circus of events in the first place! I should also point out that I had sent an email over the weekend outlining this farcical situation.

Time for another top up….. here’s a copy of the response I received.

Good afternoon

Thank you for your email.

We are sorry to hear you are unhappy with the service you have received from one of our couriers. I have checked our tracking system and can see that your parcel was sent from the collection depot to our main hub this morning.

Unfortunately we are unable to stop a parcel until it reaches the delivery depot. Please keep an eye on the parcel tracking and when it states either receipt at depot or out for delivery get in touch and we will endeavour to stop the delivery and have the parcel returned to you.

Please accept our sincere apologies for any inconvenience caused.

Kind regards,

Jenny McGivern

MyHermes Customer Service

So it’s now MY responsibility to track the parcel (cocktail sticks at the ready) until such a point that I HAVE TO CONTACT YOU so that you can ENDEVOUR to have the driver not deliver the parcel. Needless to say I gave Rita quite a hard time.

So Wednesday 5th roles around and still nothing, I call Rita again (this time 5 minutes at 10p per minute plus standard network rates) and she tells me she is very sorry, she will do all she can. I tell her that I anticipate the parcel will be back with me by Monday 10th at the latest and she says that although she cannot give me an exact date she will look into it personally and I may even get it back before then. Better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick right?…… so I wait

It’s now Monday 10th and according to your rep on is anyone A-’Live Help’? the parcel is still in Crewe! Which means for the last 4 days it has gone nowhere! As if my morning wasn’t bad enough already with the pharmacy having no record of my anti psychotic and blood pressure medication, I’m now learning that my parcel, the one you stole, hasn’t moved since Wednesday! And it’s getting very hard to speak, let alone type, coherent sentences.

I attempted to call Rita….39 times, only to get an engaged tone…..39 times. Somewhat frustrated I called someone I knew WOULD answer and they have told me that my ‘crime reference number will be with me in the next couple of days’ infact they will be calling me (already bettering the ‘service’ you provide) to take a full statement at 13:30 today….thank you Metropolitan Police Force.